The Flashback

Turning back the pages of my life, with a hope of an inspiring flashback, I find the negativity in me dominating what was supposed to be a wonderful experience. The episodes that unfold before me are a collection of scattered events without a defined direction. Though there are sparks of brilliance but they are almost all academic, something which I guess has never sounded sweet to me.

For a boy, most part of whose life thus far has been dominated by days of 9-5:30 schooling and a couple of years where he felt getting through some competitive exam was the ultimatum in one’s life, I  hardly see a possible way my life would have become any more eventful.

I have heard a lot of people talking about getting up every morning, looking at yourself in the mirror and questioning if what you’re doing is what you like. My mirror has not given me an answer yet even though I have been quite consistent with my efforts of finding one. I believe the answer to why there’s no answer lies in the movie LAGE RAHO MUNNA BHAI. Yes, it’s the “chemical locha” in our minds that is the CPU to the mirror, which itself is nothing more than a simple monitor.

What I can figure out is the absence of passion and enthusiasm for something in my life, that one thing, I can truly say I love. What I can’t figure out is where to get these virtues from? What’s the guarantee that the stuff I feel is lovely today will be the same way tomorrow? I have somehow chosen the path that’s most travelled by, the risk free one and have identified my comfort zone within frameworks of regulations and order. Neither did I ever have the courage nor the determination to let my life free and enjoy the chaos. Even now, having learnt so much about myself, I surprisingly still can't gather the courage and the determination to be the captain of my own ship.

There’s no way I am a failure I’m sure. But failure’s not the name of the game, it’s never been. The question is whether or not you are successful and the answer to that depends directly on how you define success. The definition of success for a common middle class man living in your neighbourhood will be a lot different than that of say, Bill Gates, even though both are happy and tensed in their own ways. I guess, the definition’s different for each individual and is a function of one’s measure of his own talents and abilities.

But after having pondered so much, I feel, am I not simply making things complicated? Life’s too short for complications. When will we live, if we just try and deal with complications? Guess that’s the reason I’m satisfied with this ordered life. At least I don’t have to worry about how a new day would be, every single day. I have learned living life this way and have learned to decorate it with sparkles of happy moments. The laughter I have shared with my friends, the love I have shared with my family, that first day on the driving seat, the only time I topped in the class, those twenty minutes of our band's winning performance at the fest, etc. etc. are all the li’l stars making this otherwise dark sky, worth looking at again and again. However depressed I may feel for not having achieved that “mis-defined” success, this flashback brings a smile on my face and guess that alone says, I have done a good job thus far.